Choosing

It's been almost a month to the day since I last wrote.  I'm so sorry for those of you who have been faithful in reading this blog.  It was not my intention to take such a long hiatus.  At home now we often do not have internet, and when we do, I compete with the five others in our family who would like to be on-line or at least able to see a video or do some word processing.

As of late we've had more and more rain.  Today we finally got smart and brought a change of pants with us to school in our backpacks so that we wouldn't have to spend the day cold and wet.  It's funny how being cold and wet has added a sourness to my disposition.  This one thing has brought my missing a car to a new level.  Yet, when I look around at the locals, they walk in the rain without care or concern for being wet.  It still amazes me at how spoiled I am and how I seek creature comforts. 

The other day Doug and I were talking about how we don't recall being terribly materialistic when we lived in the States.  We had a nice house but weren't overly concerned with having it decked out in the nicest things.  We never shopped for the nicest of clothes, bought the best car, ate at the nicest restaurants, or had to have the most updated phone.  In each of these areas we simply went for either what was the cheapest or the most handy. 

Somehow we feel that this experience has taken two fairly contented people and turned us into ones who are now very much aware of what we do not have.  We notice greatly now that we wear shoes with wholes or with sparse soles on the bottom, we have no car to speak of, we eat at the cheapest places in town here, and between us we have one phone which we are sure no one we know back home has seen the likes of in years.  Additionally, we eat the same things over and over because we simply don't have the ingredients that we need. 

Now all of this would be fine and dandy and considered part of the typical experience, but for some reason it's not.  We have struggled with this here and we continue to look around and notice what we don't have rather than what we do.  In fact, we notice every time another missionary family's car drives by.  We notice when anyone here has nice new clothes.  We see the beautiful things that others have that we do not.  Why is this so?  Why are we more aware of what we now don't have rather than before we came? 

I think the secret answer lies in the fact that we simply have no way of attaining these things (as opposed to the fact that in the past we simply CHOSE NOT to have these things).  We are completely unable to have a car here.  It's not an option for us.  We have been told that we are not to drive here, so even if we did have a car, there would be no way for us to use it.  Similarly, we cannot get our hands on nicer clothes or shoes.  There really are none to be had.  The shoes our kids need (which can withstand the rain, the hours of daily play, and the rough terrain that they walk on daily) are not made here.  And the other things that we'd love to have are simply too far away--either two hours by bus or are back in the land we call home.  In essence, the things we'd love to own are out of reach for us.  For other missionaries here, not so much.  But for us, they are out of the question.

Therefore, I have to say that this experience has really taught us what it's like to be poor.  Now I'm not saying that we really are poor.  Mind you, we still own a nice home and two cars in the states.  We still have many possessions there.  We are still funded here by the generous giving of our donors.  But.  We know what it's like to have the 'inability' to own nice things.  We know that we cannot enjoy the things that others do.  We have tasted the good life and we now know what it's like to have a longing for that. 

Recently Doug and I therefore have noticed that we are sad for the loss of some of these things.  (We do know that it's a temporary loss.)  We are sad that it makes us turn inward and grumble and become less than contented.  We've decided that these next three months need to be focused on what we do have--which is a far cry from what other missionaries have in the one direction--AND--which is a far cry from what the locals have in the other.  We must spend our time being grateful and mindful that we have been blessed beyond measure to have had this experience and the wonderful opportunity to learn lesson upon lesson upon lesson. 

Thanks so much for reading.  I promise not to take so long between entries. 
Blessings, kim