Struggling

It's been hard to blog over the past few days.  We've been sideswiped by things that are a bit bigger than the previous more minor issues (well, if you consider killing a snake in the house a 'minor' issue). Nothing of recent is terribly earth-shattering, but it is pretty big to us:  the discovery of two continuing infestations, the closing of the hospital, an unwelcome end to Selah's time in her classroom at school, and bug bites eating our legs to pieces.  Yet we in our world have felt the earth move beneath our feet--it 'feels' like it's earth shattering.

I well know that when people move out of their country of origin and into a new locale, they go through stages of settling in--it's called Culture Shock and everyone experiences it. Doug and I, having lived overseas previously, have been through it before.  The honeymoon phase starts the entire progression and may last a few weeks to a few months; the next phases are much less pleasant. Since we're seven weeks in, we know that from now until about the seven month mark we'll find life irritating, frustrating, and illogical.  You'll be happy to know that we're typical travelers and we're reacting much in the way you'd expect.  We're irritated, frustrated, and find things here illogical. 

Well, as you would guess, there's very little fun in that.  We don't look pleased or act in the least bit friendly.  It honestly is a less than attractive way to live.  The brilliance of our faces has dimmed and the animation previously present in our attitude has subsided. 

Yet, didn't we come here to be lights?  to serve? to talk about the amazing nature of Jesus?  to bless those who we now live among?  That's the rub.  What do you do when you've been sent on a mission (as 'missionaries' no less) and you have little joy and little desire to be giving and generous?  By the time we process through our emotions and get through these stages, most of our time here will be over and much of our blessing of others will instead look like cursing (or being less than friendly at least).  What to do?

That's why it's been hard to write.  I don't want my crummy attitude to show to those who currently live vicariously through me.   I don't want to seem to be the 'unhappy and ungrateful missionary'.  Why would anyone want to financially support or read about something so melancholy?

Well, that's why I have to write.  If I don't report my feelings, then I'm hiding and hypocritical.  And if I write when I'm at my worst, then I'm snarky and unpleasant.  I've been sorting through these feelings and know that, once again, I simply cannot live by feelings.  I can be aware of them and notice how they're impacting my attitude or my word choices or my tone.  But I cannot live by them as if they are the driving force in my life. Yes, the days here are hard and yes the events surrounding us are in no way, shape, or form controlled by us. Yes, these are trying times.  But, though I cannot determine much here, I can determine how I will react to it all.  Better said, I can determine how I will respond to it. 

If I choose to respond with great anger, depression, and anxiety, then my time as a missionary--as a representative of Christ to this small town--is all for not, and many people have wasted their money and you have wasted your time following my testimonies.  As the Bible says, we do not overcome evil by doing evil.  We overcome evil by doing good.  Doing good......  I have to decide to do good anyway.

So, I'm once again (this is becoming a daily occurrence) deciding to see the beauty and to live a life of joy in spite of how I feel.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength."  That is a good scripture to memorize and to replay over and over in my head.  It is true.  When I decide to be full of joy and not of bitterness or anxiety or frustration, then I am waaaaaaaaaay stronger and more able to do what I'm called to do. 

So....one more story to tell.  Yesterday was a wonderful day at Casa de Fe with the  three-year-olds.  Nelly was teaching them the difference between salty, sweet, and sour.  She had a bag of salt, a bag of sugar, and a small green lime.  All the kids sat with their little mouths open much like baby birds as she would place fingers-full of salt or sugar on their tongue and question them as to whether the taste was 'sweet' or 'salty'.  Everyone was content and full of attention for Nelly.  Next she peeled the lime and gave the kids lime quarters to suck on as she reinforced 'lime' and 'sour'.  Their little faces would scrunch up making laugh.  The best laugh though came when one of the children passed gas and we were completely overwhelmed with the smell.  We then commented at how terrible it was and wondered out loud, in Spanish, "Que es esto? (what is that?)" when one of the kids shouted, "limon" (lime!).

So, go and make lemonade out of 'limon'.
Sweet added to the sour sure makes for a better drink.
Blessings, kim