Confessions of a Self-Centered Person

Ever notice how hard it is to NOT think about yourself or about how others perceive you?  It's really, really hard.  In fact, can you think of a time when you haven't been consciously thinking of yourself?

So many of the entries as of late in Oswald Chambers' book My Utmost for His Highest talk about how we fallen humanity constantly do so much and focus our attention on so much that is not of God.  We are so caught up in ourselves and in our ideas of what we must do to please God or to serve God that we often find ourselves not actually focusing on God Himself.  In all of that mayhem we are really focused on ourselves.  Interestingly true. 

In many instances I'm "serving" Him while I worry inwardly about how I'll get it all done, or what others will think about my service, or how I'm modeling to my kids and whether they'll notice, or how my service is impacting those who I serve, or etc.....  You get the picture.  Where in there did I actually focus on God and His Kingdom?

Let me share a little story that somewhat relates to this.  You see, Sethy's birthday party was this past Friday afternoon.  We invited four boys over from his class after school who spent roughly the next four and a half hours with us.  During this time we had snacks, played a game in the house, conducted an hour-long scavenger hunt, played several games of Ping-Pong, sought out surprises hidden throughout the compound, and then walked to a local restaurant where we ate burgers and dogs.  Though we only had a total of seven boys (including our sons) and a huge open space, we still had two melt downs, a couple of arguments, and a fairly sad birthday boy caught in the middle of the fray.  By the end of the evening, which was only 8:15, Sethy was contented to have the party end.  Doug and I were so sad for him and how things had not been completely smooth.

These meltdowns and the ones we witnessed at another child's party the weekend prior, stem from the fact that someone is not getting his way.  He does not like how he's been treated and does not agree with the decisions that others are making. And this all while being at a party when someone else is supposed to be the center of attention.  We humans even struggle to keep our eyes focused on the birthday boy and off of ourselves--we get caught up in our needs so much so that we will willingly prevent someone else from enjoying their appointed time to be the center of attention. 

I mean not to sound overly harsh about these children--one of our own children had a meltdown.  They were having a genuinely hard time and my heart breaks for how they felt.  It is a perfect example though of how even when we go into a situation knowing that we're there for the specific purpose of honoring or enjoying someone else who's to get all the attention, we cannot keep ourselves from still being the center of our own focus.  In places where we are uncomfortable with others or insecure we will be hypersensitive to our own needs. 

Focusing on God and focusing on the needs of others to the exclusion of ourselves is not only hard for kids, it is really hard for adults.  It's hard for me.  I want my way so much that I sometimes cannot think, or be nice, or serve others, or listen carefully, or put aside my plans, or speak kindly, or smile in tough situations, etc, etc, etc.  Ever have an extended period of time when you didn't think once about yourself but only thought about the Lord or about the needs of others?  I struggle with this even during times of worship at church!  I've yet to learn that this world is not about me. 

May I, and maybe you, learn that "this is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."  It's His day.  May we allow Him to have all the focus as we celebrate Him since He's the center of the universe and we are not. Let's try not to focus on 'ME' but instead of on Him--When we focus on Him, we'll never be disappointed, insecure, unhappy or alone. 

Blessings, kim